finally speeding towards the light at the end of that tunnel...

"We have to let go of the life we planned to welcome the life that is waiting for us."

We are told so often that being strong is holding on. Trying again and again and never giving up. While I do believe in persistence, I also learned a valuable lesson in letting go recently. I learned that there is a difference between accepting and giving up, and that sometimes the hardest thing is to realize a situation just is what it is and nothing you can do will change that.

A lot of times people, our memories, our fears, our regrets, and our past can become a part of our identity, and letting go of them feels like leaving a part of ourselves behind. Leaving behind the familiar is always scary, but that's the only way to move on to your next chapter in life and to let your real self emerge. That being said, letting go was the hardest, scariest, and most painful thing I ever had to do. But once I did it, I woke up the next morning feeling so much lighter. Like this whole time I had been holding my breath and now all of a sudden I could breathe again. Don't get me wrong, it still SUCKS and despite all my attempts at positivity I'm feeling pretty down right now. It hurts so much to lose someone from your life, but you know what hurts even more? Being stuck in a waiting place. Not healing, not changing, just waiting. It's like having a scab that every time it starts to heal you pick the skin off and the healing process has to start all over again. It's like trying to put together a broken mirror and constantly cutting yourself on the broken pieces of glass. I'm finally leaving the scab alone, throwing away the broken pieces. The wound might still be there, the mirror may still be broken, but I am finally feel free of the pain that I was causing MYSELF by holding on to what WAS and is no longer.

It's cliche, but there really is a silver lining to every cloud. My silver lining? Realizing just how much love exists in my life. I have the best family and friends in the world. They are unyieldingly patient. I'm the type of person who has to make my own mistakes, do things for myself, and they stood by me endlessly as I constantly fell down again and again and again, always being there to help me back up. And when I FINALLY made the decision they had all been wishing I would make, no one said I told you so. Instead, they made me feel like a super hero, they told me how brave and strong I was, and they offered continuous love and support. And guess what, because of all that love I do feel stronger. I feel a strength I never knew I had. I feel more confident than ever, I feel like I can take care of myself, and I know that if I ever need anything, they will be there, as always full of love and full of encouragement.

Two of my friends shared these quotes with me that I want to share with you:

~*Every person that comes into your life is there to teach you something and to build your soul. It's not a loss, they were just there to transition you into the beautiful place you are now~*

~*When people walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is not tied to anyone that would leave. It doesn't mean they are a bad person, it just means their part in your story has ended~*

I love these quotes because they helped me to realize that YOU are the only main character in your life. Everyone else is a supporting role that is there to provide some kind of movement to the plot, and a lot of the time in order to move their own stories forward they must leave yours.

I never ever understood why people said it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I never thought the pain of a broken heart was worth it just to know how amazing love can be. But the other night when my kickboxing instructor played No Ordinary Love by Sade as we stretched, I finally changed my mind. It's such a sad song and having been through my "goodbye" the night before, I was surprised to find myself feeling HAPPY instead of SAD. (???) Crazy me was feeling happy because I could relate to every single word in that song and instead of depressing me, it made me feel grateful to have had that experience in my life. And when she sang: I gave you all my love I gave you more than I had to give, I wanted to jump for joy that was no longer me! (Maybe that was my kickboxing endorphins kicking in....) But as one of my friends told me, not everyone has the capacity to love that deeply, and despite it all, I'm really happy that I did and still do, for my amazing family and friends.

Everyone in the world is holding on to something. My advice? Let go when you're hurting too much. Your heart knows what the right thing for you to do is, whether or not you choose to listen. Your life is waiting for you to move on before it reveals your full potential to you and it's better to rip off that band-aid quickly instead of torturing yourself endlessly. Get out of the darkness and see the beautiful life that your not able to fully experience by holding on. Of course if your stubborn like me you'll have to learn this the hard way, just like I did! ;-)

♥ Lena

deciding for myself...

~*Too often we look outside for answers that are within us~*

Who am I? Three little words, yet sooo difficult to answer. It's a question that you could spend your whole life pondering and still not come up with a definitive answer. Who am I?

I am: a daughter, a sister, a behavioral therapist, a muslim girl. Those things are pretty concrete. But what else? Who am I? The question echos but I have no answer.

Why the sudden insistence on answering this question? The time has come to finally write my personal statement. I've put it off long enough, and now I have one final month to come up with a definition of myself, why I want to obtain a masters in clinical psychology, and how this program will contribute to my life goals.

WHO AM I? The question starts knocking louder in my head. It has been ignored long enough. It wants to be answered.

But I have a question of my own. How much of what we believe to be true about ourselves is actually organic to who we are? And how much is just a cumulation of things that we have been told we are? If someone is told over and over that they are smart they will begin to take that as a truth about them self and act in ways to prove this statement true. Because that is who they are. Smart. Well, what about the negative things that we hear over and over about ourselves? How often do we add that into the tapestry of our identity without even realizing where it is coming from? How often do we unconsciously act in ways that will make those traits a reality? There some people whose opinions it is easy for us to dismiss. But there are others who are important to us and their opinion means almost as much as our own does. This is sooo dangerous. Because no matter how close someone is to you, no matter how well they know you, they still do not know you like you know you. They may see many aspects of your personality, but they do not see you all hours of the day. They do not know the intentions behind what you do and why you do it. Only you know that. Also, they are judging you through their own lenses, and the way they view life may not be the way you view life. Therefore, their opinions of you may be true to them, but NOT applicable to you.

As I try to figure out what to write on my personal statement and as this new year begins I have resolved to start from scratch and throw out anything anyone has ever told me about myself; the good and the bad. I'm going to decide for myself. Who else could be better qualified?

♥ Lena

Currently song on repeat: Oh my my my/Taylor Swift

Currently reading: my gre books ;-)

new years reflection...

"Another fresh year is here, another year to live!

To banish worry, doubt, and fear,

to love, laugh, and give!

To live each day with zest,

to daily grow and try to be my highest and my best!"

Recently I was cleaning my room and found a list I had made when I was 14. I had just watched A Walk to Remember and was inspired to make a list of all the things I wanted to do before I died. It's interesting to see what I wanted at that time in my life, what I actually accomplished, and what things I STILL aspire to. Also, it inspired me to see how much 14 year old me knew what she wanted and didn't think any of it was impossible. As the new year approaches I feel this is a good time to take inventory of my life: of what I've accomplished in the past year and what I hope to accomplish in the next. I'm not making a new year's resolution because I've had the same resolution every year for the last 10 years and I'm pretty much over it. Instead I'm writing a letter to my future self of a year later. I'm writing about beliefs now, what I want and how I am planning to make it happen, and where I hope I will be in the next year. You can do this too, go to futureme.org, write your letter, and decide when you want it to be mailed back to you. You'll be surprised by how much changes and yet how much stays the same. I think sometimes we don't realize just how much we have changed in our lives, even just little things, like becoming more open minded on a subject, doing something we thought we would never do, or going somewhere we always wanted to go. I love finding old diaries for this reason because it really proves to me just how much I've grown.

Things on my 14 year old self's list that now at 22 I can check off? Some are silly, but hey, I was 14!

-Fall in love

-Live alone for at least a year

-Make a difference in someones life

-Graduate from UCLA

-Study abroad

-Do something that scares me

-Go to prom

-Go to a club (LOL)

-Learn to have patience (This one was a surprise for me to check off, but a lot of people recently told me they admired my patience, I secretly died laughing inside, but as I really thought about it, I realized that in large part thanks to my job my patience has come a long long way)

-Learn to read and write Arabic

-Ride a camel

-Be on a talk show

-Be in the audience of a live tv show

-Be someones mentor

-Play poker and craps in Vegas (Blackjack instead of poker, but i think 14 year old me would have been just as excited!)

-Skinny dip in the ocean at midnight

-Talk a cop out of a ticket

-Vote in the presidential elections

-Go to Lebanon

-Go to Egypt

-Go to Paris

-Buy a big ticket purchase myself

Some Things that I STILL want? 14 year old me had big aspirations...

-Write a book

-Have a successful line of magazines

-Become confident in myself

-Bungee jump or sky dive

-Go to Hajji

-Start a library somewhere there isn't

-Marry the love of my life

-Be an amazing mom

-Foster kids

-Go to Greece

-Do something to help benefit the Middle East

-Do something to unite Arabs

-Read all the books in the world

-Learn Italian in Italy

-Have an exciting job in journalism/media

-Open a book/tea store

-Host a talk show

-Learn to sleep

-Have my own business

-Live in another country for a few months

-Go on a road trip with no pre-determined destination

Happy New Years! I hope this year brings you the confidence to go after everything you want in life and the naivety that you once had to believe it can all happen.

♥ Lena

the secret has been revealed...

"We are like magnets. Like attracts like. You become and attract what you think." ~The Secret~

Ask. Believe. Receive.

Those are the three principles of The Secret. Sounds simple enough right? Why the huge craze over this book and movie if the concept is something so obvious? Well, to ASK you must first know what it is that you want. To BELIEVE you must have faith and persistence even through difficult times that make you feel crazy for continuing to hold on. To RECEIVE you must have enough love for yourself to realize that you are worthy of getting what you desire. So while the guidelines may be simplistic, the application of them is a little bit trickier.

I believe that life is what you think and what you see, regardless of what is. One could have everything in life and still be unhappy because they are constantly dwelling on what's missing. I know when I think I'm having a bad week I focus only on the bad things to prove my point instead of seeing the good. I believe that happiness is positivity and positivity is a conscious choice. No matter what's going on, you are always in control of your thoughts, and therefore always in control to make the situation better.

The movie suggests making a vision board to be able to visualize what you want in life. My cousin invited a few of us over to make one; here's how mine came out:

It probably would have been smart to cut out all my pieces and then arrange them, but instead I glued on each image as I cut it out. This is soo indicative of my attitude towards life. I never wait for all the pieces, I want to experience everything as it comes...

All the tag lines, headlines, and job titles I hope to one day have apply to me =)

My cousin is soooo cute! She printed out a fake diploma for me from The Chicago School of Professional Psychology and a blank check. I made the check out for: Unlimited love, happiness, and disposable income.

I love love love to travel. I'm always saving up for my next trip...

I'm surprised the beauty section wasn't bigger. I guess I'm not as vain as I thought...

Most important thing I want? Confidence. It doesn't matter how beautiful you are if you don't know it.

There is so much I want in life and none of it can be achieved without God. But more importantly, there is sooooo much in my life to be thankful for.

♥ Despite all my commitment issues and supposed cynicism I'm a huge hopeless romantic, so love takes up a pretty big part of my board. The best word on there to describe what kind of love I want? Excitement. ♥

♥ Lena

Current song on repeat: Wahishny Eh/Myriam Fares

Currently Reading: Zeitoun/Dave Eggers

grabbing life by the horns...

~* Don't wait for extraordinary opportunities. Seize common occasions and make them great. Weak men wait for opportunities; strong men make them. ~*

I've been really excited because I finally scored an internship as a news anchor! (Hello transit tv!) I go in every Saturday, read the news, and then it plays every half hour on Sundays and Mondays on the metro buses! Sounds super exciting right? Not so much. It takes like 10 minutes to do the news, and then I have 3 hours and 50 minutes of nothingness. I'm supposed to be gathering content, but that's basically meaningless. So at my dream internship I'M BORED.

Something you have to know about me: I refuse to be bored. Plus I was mad at myself for having this amazing opportunity and being so passive about it all. So I decided to come up with a little project for myself. I love going to new places and doing new things, and people are always telling me I make things sound more exciting than they actually are. I figured what better use of this quality than to be a tour guide! Because LA is so spread-out, most people who live there don't really know what it has to offer. So I spent last Saturday developing an outline for two episodes of a show called Discover LA. I pitched it to the heads of the company, and they loved it! They told me to develop a storyboard and script and then we would start filming! If my life was a storyboard, the caption to this page would be: Lena's first production! ;-)

Now I have no idea what a storyboard is or how to make one, and as you can see from the layout of this blog, my graphic design skills are non-existent. But I'm resourceful and together with google and ehow I will figure it out!

I'll post the first episode on here once it's done!

On a side note, if you check out the times of my postings you will notice that although I work 8-6 I have veerrryy strange sleep habits. If anybody has any remedies for insomnia, PLEASE share with me! (no sleeping pills)

♥ Lena

current song on repeat: meet me halfway/black eyed peas

currently reading: open/Andre Agassi

and so it begins...

~* Each day do something so daring that even you can't believe you are doing it. ~*

My daring act for today? Hello blog world. My name is Lena. And I never ever thought I would open up my life for the world to read about. I'm the girl who kept hundreds of diaries and threw away each one to make sure no one would ever read it. This is slightly more permanent....

Let's get the boring getting-to-know-you stuff out of the way. It's the same story you've heard a million times. Recently graduated, out in the "real world", and confused/scared about my next step in life. *insert 20's mid-life crisis melodrama here* Anyways in the midst of my freak out stage my aunt says to me, "Do something AMAZING with your life. Don't settle for being normal." This made me freak out even more. Do something amazing with my life? LIKE WHAT??! What would be amazing?! I currently work as a behaviorist for kids with autism, did that count as amazing?? Then I realized what would be amazing would be if I allowed myself to follow all my crazy dreams and live the life I always believed I would until fear of failure stopped me from going after it all. I love my job. I love making a difference in the lives of kids, and I'm going to continue with what I do. BUT, I also want to be a writer, a talk show mogul, a magazine editor, a producer, and the list continues. I want to travel extensively, start up a charity, marry the love of my life, and be an amazing mom. Hell I want to win the Nobel Peace Prize. I want it all.

I'm only 22. I owe it to myself to fully believe that I CAN have it all and go after everything I want. I can be jaded and cynical in my 90's. So here I go. I have a few ideas on how to make it happen, but mostly I'll just be figuring it out as I go along. Life is going to be bumpy no matter how hard you try to play it safe. So instead, I'll be making the most of it, treating my life as one big adventure. Care to join me?

♥ Lena